Wednesday, March 30, 2011

The longest walk home!

Last week, I had a little light-bulb moment of what to do with my time. So I decided that it has been a long overdue for me to go back and do some exercise. I hate sports with all my heart and soul. I am the kind of person who would easily trip herself with her own foot (or even over nothing!). Ever since I was little I am far away from being a sporty person. BUT, there is ONE, one sport that I love: swimming! And I thought, 'why don't I start going to the gym and swim once a week? That wouldn't hurt, right?'.

Well, today, I went. I was glad the pool was not crowded, but I did have some blind moments (yes, I can't see without my glasses that well). Anyway, I have to say I was feeling nervous about it, but I went in. I did 5 laps (not continuously) (on a 33m pool) with a lot of struggles. I was quickly tired and running out of breath. Seriously, I think I need to take a swimming 101 lesson again! But I am glad I did it!

After that, I showered and walked home. I never felt like what I felt while I was walking before. I felt that my body was like a jelly and had no energy left in it. I had to take it easy, could not rush. That was the longest walk home for me, though it was only 10 minutes away, it was tough. On top of that... it only took 10 minutes of that walk to start feeling the sores and aches all over my body. Oh dearie old me...

That really shows that I should have exercised (aka swim) regularly not just from now. I am hoping I can do this weekly from now on. I am pretty sure it won't be as bad as today.

Happy mid week, people! Hope you have a blessed week. :)

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Fixing me up.

Prior to the melt-down at the end of February, I am finally officially going to counselling to fix myself up. Today, there were 2 things happening; one, my 6-months suspension is finally approved. Two, I went for my initial counselling appointment today.

Since that horrible week I had in February, I had been talking and crying a lot, but lately, I was fine. I don't cry any more, I do things that I am supposed to do, although, there are times where I am more forgetful than ever as well as times where my mind just wanders around and confuses me.
But today, I got to dig deeper. I got to talk without worrying what my counsellor will say and how she judges me. I found out, I still cried, I am still hurt, scared and confused. I found I have a lot to solve with myself.

If there is one target that I have, it's a target to fix myself. To get me out of this depression and to get me up and running 'normal' again. I don't want to fix it by medication, I don't want to just sweep it under the carpet, I want to let it all out until I have no more of it in me.

I know, God knows His plans for me. With Him, I can do this.

I am looking forward to next week session.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Packing, chilling & praying.

Or should I say praying comes first? We are praying and hoping genuinely for a little sweet baby that will come in His right time. We know God knows best.

It has been decided that we are going home for good on 29th July 2011. Thanks to our parents for supporting us and loving us so freely and unconditionally. Yes, I will be moving to Beijing before the end of this year, but before that, we will be going to Bali for a month. I am super blessed to say that Papi has bought our tickets home! *YAY!* We'll be going on Singapore Airlines from Manchester to Denpasar via Singapore.

There is something that I learnt about this, that I want to remember. It was the freedom, knowing that he is my dad and that he loves me, I was not afraid to ask. But, what amazes me is his response... I remember being a child, I always dreaded the times I had to ask something from him, because I always got silence. Like as if he is thinking and never finishes thinking.
He is a changed father, praise The Lord for that! When I asked, he responded right away! I felt like a little child again, literally jumping up and down. I felt loved, because he was expressing his love by responding. And even if he said he couldn't buy us tickets, his instant response will still be a token of love!

OK, back on track now... So, yeah, Lan and I have been packing slowly but surely. Little packages are on the way to Beijing currently. I pray that they all arrive safely and nothing missing at all. We have also been donating the stuffs that are still good and we don't want to bring home. I am so glad there are many charity shops here, that way we won't be just trashing those stuffs.

Lately, since I am on suspension, I feel like a part-time housewife. I still have to do some teaching on Monday and Friday, but other than that, I am just at home - especially after I passed my driving test. I get to cook dinner for Lan without feeling too tired, cleaning our flat during weekday as well as doing laundry. I still get some rough days sometimes, so I am hoping the counselling that starts next week will really help me deal with myself and my feeling. We'll see about that :)

Other than that, I am just really grateful for a warmer week that we've had, sunnier and pleasant. I hope it continues.

Well, have a great and blessed weekend, everyone!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I am a legal driver now! YAY!

So, two days ago, I took my THIRD practical driving test. I was so nervous, whether or not I've done it twice before LOL! My examiner was Michelle, the lady that was the examiner on my first test. She is a very very nice lady. :)
This time, I took the plunge to do the test without my instructor, Sean, going with me. He said that it might lessen the pressure on me. So I thought it worth a try.

The first 20 minutes out of the 40 minutes, I was so nervous. My left leg was shaking so bad while doing the 'reverse to the left' manoeuvre! I decided to ask for some time, I took some deep breaths, prayed in my head and heart and got to calm myself down. Thank God, I finally did it properly. At the end of it, I got 6 minor mistakes and NO serious mistake! And I PASSED!! YAY!!!!

I was so so happy, so giddy and so thankful and so relieved!
I am thankful to The Lord for the calmness and wisdom, for Lan, who continuously and without fail, supported me and prayed with me, and for Sean, my instructor, who was an awesome and fun person! Without Sean, I'd never be able to drive properly! LOL!

Now, I am waiting for my driving license to arrive and praying that God will grant us a car, I can't wait to get on the road! Hehehe...

Life's been good, if not, better, lately. :)

Friday, March 04, 2011

Oh my dear throat...

After the church conference in Sheffield, I was so tired and needed a lot of rests. Well, I did, but Sunday night I started feeling unwell and had a sore throat. It got really painful, but I thought I'd recover some day.

Well, yesterday, I had to go to Doctor since I need a medical certificate for my study suspension, so I might as well check my throat. It wasn't just a sore throat. I have ulcers in my throat and infections... Mmmm... Not good.

So I am on Penicillin for a week now, with fever running up and down every now and then. Argh... It hurts and drains my energy. I just feel tired constantly :(

I hope it gets better soon. I want to enjoy eating my food...

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Saving my sanity.

I have been very quiet lately... I stepped out of the world for a bit and looked inside ME. Three weeks ago, I broke down in front of my supervisors, confessing that I can't do this PhD any more. I was so stressed out that I lost myself somewhat in between and got ill times and times again. That time, I came out of the denial I had been living in the past 12 months that I was struggling beyond my control. I lost my motivation and did not feel like I own the research that I was doing.

I procrastinated and had a hard time getting any of my studies done.

So, this two weeks, I took some time out to just really think whether this PhD is worth my sanity, myself, my happiness... I know it's only 10 months left, but because of the procrastination, I have SO much to do and so little time. *not good*
Lots of things went through my mind; my parents, Lan's parents, the closest ones, their reactions. Then, above all, my own reaction. If I continue, will I cope? If I withdraw, will I ever regret it? Is it the right decision?

And I ran, to GOD.

I spent time with Him, I came to Him with an expectant heart that He will hold my hands, He will guide me. He never fails me.
He gave me peace. He hugged me close and whispered in my ears that I am not a failure like I thought I will be. He said, I am His Beloved. That was in 'She is Fabulous' Conference that I went 25-26 Feb in Sheffield with my Church. It was so awesome.
I was unloaded, I cried so much to Him, but it was giving me freedom and made me feel loved by Him.

I am saving my sanity.

I want to withdraw. I come to face the fact that right now my focus in Lan and I, our marriage, our family and hopefully soon, our offspring. But, I am giving myself a little more time to think it through... a 6-months suspension. To gradually see that I am not making the wrong/right choice.

To many, this may seem to be such a huge loss. "Only a little bit more, then you'll get it"
But, if I really go by that saying, I may get my Dr. title AND lose myself forever because of it... No, I don't really want to be 'demented' Dr. Sherly nor I want to be 'forever depressed' Dr. Sherly. I'd rather be just Sherly, who is happy and stay true, for my sake, Lan's sake and our kids in the future.

Thank You, Lord, for loving me.