Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Saving my sanity.

I have been very quiet lately... I stepped out of the world for a bit and looked inside ME. Three weeks ago, I broke down in front of my supervisors, confessing that I can't do this PhD any more. I was so stressed out that I lost myself somewhat in between and got ill times and times again. That time, I came out of the denial I had been living in the past 12 months that I was struggling beyond my control. I lost my motivation and did not feel like I own the research that I was doing.

I procrastinated and had a hard time getting any of my studies done.

So, this two weeks, I took some time out to just really think whether this PhD is worth my sanity, myself, my happiness... I know it's only 10 months left, but because of the procrastination, I have SO much to do and so little time. *not good*
Lots of things went through my mind; my parents, Lan's parents, the closest ones, their reactions. Then, above all, my own reaction. If I continue, will I cope? If I withdraw, will I ever regret it? Is it the right decision?

And I ran, to GOD.

I spent time with Him, I came to Him with an expectant heart that He will hold my hands, He will guide me. He never fails me.
He gave me peace. He hugged me close and whispered in my ears that I am not a failure like I thought I will be. He said, I am His Beloved. That was in 'She is Fabulous' Conference that I went 25-26 Feb in Sheffield with my Church. It was so awesome.
I was unloaded, I cried so much to Him, but it was giving me freedom and made me feel loved by Him.

I am saving my sanity.

I want to withdraw. I come to face the fact that right now my focus in Lan and I, our marriage, our family and hopefully soon, our offspring. But, I am giving myself a little more time to think it through... a 6-months suspension. To gradually see that I am not making the wrong/right choice.

To many, this may seem to be such a huge loss. "Only a little bit more, then you'll get it"
But, if I really go by that saying, I may get my Dr. title AND lose myself forever because of it... No, I don't really want to be 'demented' Dr. Sherly nor I want to be 'forever depressed' Dr. Sherly. I'd rather be just Sherly, who is happy and stay true, for my sake, Lan's sake and our kids in the future.

Thank You, Lord, for loving me.

4 comments:

  1. apapun keputusannya.. semoga itu yang terbaik buat lu ya...

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  2. sher, seperti orang kebanyakan gua pasti encourage lu supaya terusin, karna sayang tinggal 1 step lagi..
    tapi, gua kan cuma orang luar, gua gak tau bagaimana beratnya masalah lu skarang..

    jadi kalo lu merasa ada sedikit aja harapan menurut gua bolehlah lu coba kelarin, tapi kalo lu bener2 totally gak bisa lagi melanjutkan, yah udah, gapapa juga, tidak akan merubah pandangan gua dan semua orang yang deket ama lu tentang lu kok, kita tetap dukung apa yang menurut lu terbaik! :)

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  3. Semuanya balik lagi ke kamu Sher, but whatever decision you choose to take, I know it will be for your own good. Ga usah terlalu mikirin apa kata orang, krn hidup kamu bukan hidup mereka. =) Cuma bisa bantu doa aja supaya Tuhan kasih tau jalan yg terbaik yah.

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  4. semoga kamu dikasih jalan terbaik Nie . Cia Youuu

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