This is getting harder.

Lan's still not here yet and I am emotionally a wreck. It gets harder each passing day. The one thing that I desperately want to hear and have been waiting for what seems ages, that the visa is out and he's heading back to me, I don't know what I'll hear that.

I managed last week with shedding no tears, but that probably was wrong, because this week it feels as if my flood gate is broken and I keep crying like crazy until my eyes are super sore. It gets to the point, where I have no words to describe the pain, the hurt, the emotion inside, could tears speak louder than words? Maybe.

I know that this is NOT Lan's fault. That if he could choose, he wants nothing of this happened and he would come back as planned. However, it's so hard not to have a scapegoat. It's so hard not to see this as his fault, that he put me through all this...

I am so sorry, honey, that I blamed you. I know you're suffering, too, but, when you said you know how I feel, I honestly think you don't know, because I can't even begin to describe it to you how much it tortures me to keep waiting like forever.

I just hope it's this week.